Sunday, March 24, 2013

Post-partum post

I am at the point where I might be ready to admit that I don't really blog anymore.
Which makes me super sad. Because I actually dig blogging. I love reading blogs... and I love writing them even more.
I could blame Instagram. I could blame motherhood. I could even blame my (hopefully temporary) loss of interest in photography... but I won't. It's all on me. And that's probably okay.

Anyway, I totally had another baby. A boy. He's perfect and we call him Mark. His full name is Markham Reid Carter and I just love him. He was born on March 4th, 2013. He weighed 7 lbs. 3 oz. and was 20 1/2 in. Labor was induced and was easy peasy. I wish my epidural had been a little stronger, but I really can't complain. Mark is healthy and perfect and just all-around beautiful.

Life is a little strange right now. I've dealt with some post-partum issues in the past and I'm dealing with them now... although at this point I feel really lucky and blessed. I haven't been as "weepy" as I have been in the past and I catch myself enjoying life more often than not--which is good. I can't take credit for any of it... I have had a lot of help. My mom stayed with us for a week. Then, Blaine took a week off to stay home and cater to our every whim. Then, my MIL was here for a week as well. She actually left this morning... and while I feel a little panicky at the thought of going it solo starting tomorrow, I know that three kids is my "new normal" and that the best thing to do is just ball-up and jump in. It will be okay. Mark is about three weeks old now and March is nearly over. I love this little March baby... and I find such solace thinking about where I was a year ago: I had just lost a baby and was having a hard time coping. Sometimes life doesn't make any sense... then you find yourself looking into your newborn's eyes--knowing that you are this little person's entire universe and suddenly "making sense" doesn't matter at all anymore.

The next few weeks (months? years?) may be long and difficult, but I (hopefully) know enough about it to know it's really fun too. I hope I can be a fun mom more often, and much more intuitive to my children's needs. I hope I can feel rested and active enough for them. I hope I can be healthy and happy enough for their sake too. They deserve a mom that feels sane at least most of the time. :)

I don't know if this is our last baby or not. As much as I love being a mom, I'm constantly terrified that I'm actually terrible at it. I am not a patient person and three might just be my limit, but God knows how much I love these kids. And though I know I can be a crappy mother sometimes, this family of mine is my whole world. My heart and soul are very full and for now, that's enough to feed me for a lifetime.


Becca Jo said...

aww sweet. I think most moms feel like they are failing at being a mom some of the time. In reality we are doing a good job and our kids will survive us. :)

Love ya!

melsebourn said...

You're the best. You'll get through this rough patch (but post-partum is seriously a bitch)

Also, remember that good moms worry about whether or not they are good moms ---- bad moms never stop to consider that they might not be perfect (Noah has to remind me of this weekly, sometimes daily!)

BTW, will you email me w/your new address?

Love ya!

LEE BIEN said...

Beautiful post. You are doing a great job.

dxeechick said...

The first few days are the scariest. After Stevie's surgery I never wanted to be left alone with the baby ever again! But somehow he survived (as did I). You will do great! You are not a crappy mom. I want you to Google "Drops of Awesome" if you haven't already. Read it. Give yourself more credit. It's a hard job, this whole motherhood bit. Love you! Congrats on being a family of FIVE!! Wow!

Tara said...

Post partum just sucks rocks. I get it. But you can get through it. Getting out of my house helped a lot. Hope things are ok now with everyone gone! Take it one day at a time and know the kids love you and you're doing awesome! Congrats on Markham-adorable name BTW.

Jessie said...

I rarely read blogs anymore, but I am so glad that I did tonight! Can I just say how much I love you. I had no idea you miscarried. I am so sorry! We really do have parallel pregnancy/kid life's!

And just so you don't feel alone, I am not a patient person either, and every day I pray that my kids turn out half decent and probably all that credit will go to Grant, not me. Ha. ( I only laugh about this, because it's the only thing that keeps me from crying)